Goodbye my little angel....

My latest traumatic event has made me realise so much. The good & The bad. Four week’s ago I found out I was pregnant. I never wanted kids until I was at least 25 and we weren’t even trying as I was on contraception which had worked for a year and a few months but some how I still managed to fall pregnant. Because of my choice not to get pregnant at such a young age it hit me really hard that “OMG I‘M PREGNANT” but after discussing it with my BF and others it kinder grew on me and for some reason or another I was getting really excited. A few days had gone and I had started to grow fond of the idea, also seeing my amazing partner positive attitude towards the idea I thought “This can work”. I don’t know why but breaking the news for me was hard. I knew what my family were like but also my partner’s. In the end we had so much support and lot’s of people were happy for us. My pregnancy symptoms were surprisingly relaxed. Not much morning sickness just tiredness which I loved anyways cause I LOVE MY SLEEP :] And I was so confident that I was gona have the most easy pregnancy for the next 8months. During the time I found out I couldn’t stop thinking about my baby if it were a boy or girl, names, things to buy it, things I wana do before and after it is born, the bond’s I want to grow with it, future birthdays, holidays with my child, the lifestyle and environment you want your child to grow up in and many more. It also makes you wana change so you could be the best mother/role model for your child. I studied up on new born, toddler and young child stages to prepare myself even going as far as watching pregnancy video’s and then the last thing on your mind happens……

You have a miscarriage. The hardest & toughest thing any woman would have to go through. I didn’t think I’d be that upset but when I was left alone I couldn’t help but just cry. It’s like somebody just takes away your happiness. I went through a ‘blaming period’ blaming everybody including me. It’s not nice. The extent of the blood just wouldn’t cross my mind. I’ve never ever been through anything like that ever in my life. And the disappointment I could see in my partners eyes. We were just so excited and it instantly brought us so closer. We’re always been a loved up couple and had the bestest relationship but in the 5 years things have never felt so perfect like they did when we decided to carry on with the pregnancy. I was scared of losing that with my partner, I was so angry at everything trying to blame everybody and I was just so sad. After a few days had past and I came to the realisation these things just happen my anger soon became just tears until my tears were all dried up and I couldn’t cry no more. After everybody’s advice, texts, face book messages I now know that this wasn’t anybodies fault or mines ‘It just wasn’t meant to be’. The funny thing about it was earlier this year I made a vision board. I was meant to make 2 but hadn’t finished the second one. The one that is completed sits on top of my draw where I can see it next to my laptop and desk. While I was on my laptop I would swing around and it was there looking at me. When I’d get up from a nap or sleep it was that I’d look at when I was wide awake just stirring at it. When I would do my hair in the mirror that is what I would see. I took these as signs. Signs that this is my second chance to tackle some of these goals I have on my vision board. On my board I have healthy lifestyle and healthy eating well before I fell pregnant I lost 13kg’s (then I find out I was pregnant and got major cravings and added 2kgs onto my weight loss lol) I have about 20kgs more to lose before the end of this year. I wana put all my focus back onto that. I also have a fulltime job in a career that I see myself in for a very long time and that I enjoy very much Early Childhood Education and have been thinking what is next for me after work has ended. I have a goal of moving to Australia for a better lifestyle and fresh start. Maybe that’s where I can continue the passion for ECE and study over there. One thing I’m eager to do in life is Travel. I want to go to Paris, Fiji, Hawaii, Somewhere in Asia, Queenstown and Melbourne and now that I have this job I can definitely do some of those things. I’m going to start living it up event though that’s what I was doing before but I had setbacks then e.g. money and now I have a decent income and can cater for all my needs and wants. I’m also gona make more of an effort to see my grandparents as they are the panicle of my heart.

"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth".

Although my heart will always have a small part missing I will always remember what happiness my little angel brought me. And for it I will make sure I stay healthy (body & mind), accomplish some of these things on my vision board and never take anything for granted.